I know, I know, such a crass post title! What can I say, it's all about SEO, people! Also, I am a homosexual writing about sports, what did you expect? #olympicmadness #hott #bods #bonerjamz
So I'm feeling compelled to write up my personal sports history, in honor of the Olympics. It's a brief history, mind you, but it's there nonetheless. My childhood forays into the Man Realm of competitive sports began, for some unknown reason, with baseball. I vividly remember standing in line to bat, I suppose at some little league try out, snickering and talking isht about the other boys' failed attempts to hit the ball (years 7-9 were my 'bitchy queen' years, apparently.) When I got up to the plate, the ball hit me in the shoulder and I promptly started crying and ran off the field. I am still embarrassed to this day for my father, who was standing in the sidelines undoubtedly thinking, "Ok, so it's probably safe to read into that Barbie birthday wishlist now."
I tried my hand at gymnastics when I was a bit older, maybe twelve? I was really into Mortal Kombat at this time and wanted to be able to run up walls and do backhanded flips or some shit. I didn't publicly shame myself in this instance, I just quit. Probably a bad idea, considering gymnastics is a bit more gay-friendly (I'm assuming? definitely more my-stature friendly) than baseball. I was on the track & field team and the cross country team my freshman year of high school, but I sucked at both because when I run, my legs get really itchy. What? It's a legitimate issue. Needless to say, I wasn't much of a competitor to begin with and on top of that, the only thing I remember from any of the meets at which I must have at least been in attendance is that I'm pretty sure my balls fell out of my running shorts when I was sprinting. Where was the #winning hashtag when I needed it? (Oh, another vaguely athletics-related memory? Changing in the locker room - oh, man! Dear Doug Thrasher, I was so into you as a fourteen-year-old. Is anyone from my Cali HS reading this? #memories)
Oh, man, I almost forgot maybe the most shocking of all - when I moved to Virginia I was on my high school's JV lacrosse team! What!? I literally only ever got on the field during a game maybe twice. I recall being scared. Nowadays I'm about as athletic as you would guess a kid who collected Beanie Babies would grow up to be. I like to tell people I, "do tennis," but I think my niche fitness market is playing dress up and scrolling through Tumblr. I might be out of shape...
Enjoy the Olympics, those of you who'll be watching! I'm at work this evening, but here's a link to Eddie and Patsy carrying the Olympic torch for posterity's sake.
Awesome photo by Bruce Weber, father of any and all sports imagery I have any reason to remember.